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The Adventures of Gabe Newell: Doo Peas Corporate Torture
Name: The Adventures of Gabe Newell: Doo Peas Corporate Torture
Genre: Tongue-in-cheek adventure
Created by: Lost Labyrinth
Rating: PG-13 (12)
Number of chapters: TBA

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The Adventures of Gabe Newell: Doo Peas Corporate Torture is a fan-fiction written by Lost Labyrinth. As suggested by the title, the protagonist is the Valve founder, Gabe Newell, and the story reflects on the rivalry between EA and Valve...

Characters Edit

  • Gabe Newell - the main protagonist. He is very clear about his thoughts and will try anything against EA.
  • John Riccitiello - the main antagonist. He is the head of EA and has a high focus on capitalism.

Story Edit

Prologue Edit

In the lovely neighborhood of Sunset Valley, all was well. Everyone was enjoying the sunshine and living life to the fullest. Unsurprisingly however at Goth Manor, everything was as dreary and depressing as ever but that didn't stop the Goth family from having a good time.

One day however as young Mortimer Goth was preparing for bed, he found a bizarre weapon in the upstairs bathroom. Mortimer fired the weapon at the wall to which a blue circular object appeared, known as a blue portal. Unknown to him however, the orange portal was fired at another wall in a large office complex. Mortimer walked through the portal to explore the other side. "...and with these sales figures for 2012, I'm pleased to announce that...why hello there!" said a suited man of a high ranking. "Say what do you have there? Is that...a portal gun?" asked the man. Mortimer looked worried. "W-Who are you?" asked Mortimer. The man chuckled and replied, "How rude of me. My name is JOHN RICCITIELLO and I am the CEO of Electronic Arts. Now son, that weapon is a major part of our corporations plans, just like you. Rod Humble would be so proud his digital creations are alive. Now I think together we can work out our own little secret..."

Chapter 1: Equilibrium Edit

11:30am at Valve Corporations's HQ in the real word, GabeN, as he was known by popular culture, had called a meeting. "Ladies and gentlemen...we need to gear up for the launch of our new game. I am very ambitious about this product as I'm sure it'll defeat the trainwreck known as Origin. If they weren't so iffy with DLC such as Crysis 2 stuff and delaying DLC for The Sims 3 then maybe we could love them but now they've crossed the line with their antics." proclaimed Gabe. Another Valve employee commented, "But your royal highness GabeN, EA added the rest of the TS3 DLC to Steam!" Gabe looked and shouted, "I don't care. Riccitiello is evil and he's the enemy!". "Now...any questions?"

As the crowd sat, one employee who uses the online pseudoism known as "Cycl0n3 Sw0rd" asked, "What about Half-Life 3?" Gabe looked at Cycl0n3 and replied, "Worth the wait". Cycl0n3 then asked, "Okay what about Half-Life 2 Episode 3?" Gabe then looked annoyed and insisted, "Worth. The. Wait." Cycl0n3 then shut himself up to let Gabe finish.

"As we're out of questions, I can safely say--" said Gabe before he was interrupted. The double doors were kicked open by John Riccitiello, who was holding the portal gun formerly possessed by Mortimer. "Hello Gabe!" proclaimed John. All of Valve's employees looked surprised to see him in the building. "How on earth did you get past security?" asked Gabe. John laughed and replied, "I bribed them with a Steam gift card! You may be wondering why I am here? Well I can't let you launch this top secret product of yours and I am here to stop you!" John then fires an orange portal at the wall behind Gabe and launches the desk towards him, forcing Gabe to go through the portal and ultimately end up inside a sewer. "What the hell?" asked Gabe. John finally replied, "No hard feelings Gabe...I just need you gone for a while." John then fires a blue portal at the wall behind him, causing Gabe to be trapped inside the sewer. "Great...where am I?" asked Gabe, with noone in sight to hear him out.

As Gabe wandered through the sewers, he finally found a ladder back to land. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't how he remembered it. Gabe climbed out of the sewer and looked around. "Everything looks...cartoon-y!" Gabe wondered. He then looked at a person who looked cartoonish. "Hey you little girl, where am I?" asked Gabe. The little girl looked at him weirdly and replied, "You're in Central Park!" Gabe facepalmed and then asked, "More I still in Virginia?" The little girl giggled and replied, "No silly, you're in Sunset Valley!" Gabe then looked confused and realised, "This place isn't real, is it?"

Chapter 2: Finding the Way Edit

"This building looks important, I'll try in there!" said Gabe. Gabe wanders into the city hall with the various politicians staring at him, wondering if Gabe was a science experiment gone wrong or just a tad addicted to makeup...the weird kind. "Hi cartoon you know where Bellevue, Washington is? I ended up here after John Riccitiello sent me through a portal." asked Gabe. The receptionist at the city hall looked at Gabe in offense to the "cartoon figure" statement. "Well...sumo wrestler, I don't know what planet you're on but unless you start making sense, the warden of the Old Lady Crumplebottom Mental Institution would much love to see you." replied the Receptionist. Gabe looked at the Receptionist in shock and finally replied, "I'd also like to know what planet I'm on. Well nevermind, the answer is worth the wait and I'll try to get out of here with or without your help. Oh and by the way, the weight problem is glandular, I CAN'T HELP THAT!", before storming off. The receptionist then watched Gabe wander out and stated to herself, "Worth the weight? Hahaha classic."

Meanwhile back at Valve Corporation, John announces himself to be the new boss at Valve. "You guys have one thing I'm truly jealous of: money! You've done what EA are trying to do so well that even these databases known as 'wikis' are getting in on it." stated John. "Now then, to get even more of that money we shall release Half-Life 2 Episode 3 and Half-Life 3 a week apart. We will then create Half-Life 3 Episode 1, where you can play as a celebrity. We did this with one of our games and the money keeps rolling in! Any objections, mortals?" The Valve employee base look at Riccitiello cluelessly over his new business plans. Cycl0n3 reluctantly says, "Well...we aim to make great games and support them in the long term, not exploit!" John looks at Cycl0n3 and laughs. "Oh we're not exploiting anyone, just milking a cow. It's like an ATM: we withdraw from them. Our customers are the ATMs and we, Electronic Valve, just withdraw. Simples. Now that you have all shut up, I shall let you know...I WILL RULE THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" shouted John, with all the Valve employees looking in fear.

Back in Sunset Valley, Gabe is sitting on a bench, eavesdropping on conversations to see what's going on. So far all he's learned is that someone named Lily is having a baby, a man named Oliver cheated on his wife and that a gravity gun was created in a Science lab. As Gabe backtracked on what he had learned, he paused. "Wait a moment...gravity gun? FROM HALF-LIFE 2? Damn you Riccitiello. As soon as I get out of here, you're going down the sinkhole." shouted Gabe, with a small child looking at him. The child approached Gabe. "Well I could help you with your little problem but it's going to cost you...provided Riccitiello hasn't gained hold of it already." said the child. Gabe looked at him in shock. "Okay then...what is your name?" asked Gabe. "Name's Mortimer, Mortimer Goth." replied the child. "Okay Mortimer, what do you know about all of this?" asked Gabe. Mortimer laughed then replied, "I had your portal gun and now Riccitiello is paying me to keep quiet of how I got it in the first place. Of course, I gave it back to him. Shame, you're stuck here now. Hahaha!" Gabe's face had gone red and he expressed anger. "Listen to me you little freak, unless you tell me everything now, I will put a VAC ban on you, preventing you from doing anything. You have a choice, tell me the truth and we all go happy or goodbye to your livelihood." Mortimer laughed again and replied, "Seeing as you're so desperate, here's a clue: go to 260 Sunnyside Boulevard and you'll meet this nerd named Cycl0n3 Sw0rd. He'll have all your answers." Gabe took that in and as Mortimer walked off, he replied, "Cycl0n3 is a worker at Valve...unless..."

Gabe arrived at the house, rang the doorbell and was greeted by a girl in police uniform. As he was reading her badge, Gabe said, "Hello...Officer Wainwright, is Cycl0n3 home? I need to talk to him." Blair looked stunned and shouted, "Hey "Cycl0n3", put down the games and meet some... clinically obese man who wants to talk to you. He looks important." Gabe looked annoyed at the weight joke and said to Blair, "You are a cop, right?" "Uh...yeah." she replied. "Alright I'm coming and...oh my god. Nice Gabe Newell suit." said Cycl0n3. Gabe looked at Cycl0n3 and replied, " look like a cartoon rendition of someone who works for Valve; that's my company." Cycl0n3 looked puzzled and replied, "Guy who works for Valve? Huh?" Gabe looked confused over Cycl0n3's knowledge of him and Valve but not the employees. "Well, looks like you and I have a lot to talk over..."